Learning to Love
In this communiqué, I have a desire to be more transparent with you than what I usually am and address some of the issues of life and ministry that have confronted my (the Goll) Household and our ministry over the past few years. As most of you know, Michal Ann and I have both faced various degrees of cancer over the past five and a half years and the uncertainties that this sickness brings. The effects of this disease have far reaching tentacles that have touched nearly every area of our lives. As in any trauma, our hopes, dreams, strength, family, finances, both personal and ministerial have been effected.
Many questions have been asked and at various times, few answers have come. We have sought counsel from the quality friends and coleagues, personal and ministerial. We have been prayed for by the who’s who of today's ministries! We have sought the Lord directly with many times of prayer and fasting. We have stood on the Word and declared the Promises. We have been pushed down and yet got back up again. We have been hit hard – very hard – yet we have learned by grace to love all the more! In fact, the biggest lesson I am learning right now is, "how to love and expect nothing in return"! I am not there yet, but I am leaning into Him to learn how to love where there is no return and expect none. Jesus is a great role model!
Through all of life’s circumstances we are each given many opportunities to learn and grow. Sometimes the greatest lessons we learn come from difficulties we face head on. At these junctures, we must choose to pick up our cross daily to follow Him, worship, forgive, and then rise back up and exercise our God given faith and authority in Christ in order to continue in our journey of life in the Spirit. But in my perspective, too often, too many people become parked cars in a cul-de-sac of yesterday’s move of God, stuck in the past through offense, hurt, pain, disappointment or disillusionment. I want to keep moving on in faith, hope and love both for our Lord, the body of Christ and the lost.
Now, I know what pain and suffering are about. Like many of you, I have been given many opportunities to become offended with the body of Christ, church leadership and movements with over emphasis one way or the other or even gone astray from the main and plain of the Gospel of the Kingdom of our dear Lord Jesus Christ. Yes, I have fallen short of the glory of the Lord and meandered from time to time in my own walk. I have also been misunderstood, misinterpreted and taken advantage of in various seasons. I have been wounded and hurt and sometimes wondered if this is all worth the cost. (Does this relate to anyone out there?)
But as I address this sensitive subject, I want you to know up front, that as for Michal Ann Goll and I, and our natural and ministry family; we declare that God is faithful no matter what! We will never stop believing that God is Good All the Time! Did you hear me? God is Good All the Time! Period! If you have not settled that issue in your own heart and mind, then I propose to you that this is a good time to start! We must settle that issue!
Weeding the Garden
Okay – let’s get real! I have heard about everything at this point and time. People have told me everything from, “You are sick because you prayed against a principality in a wrong way.” I have been told that I got sick because I joined myself to a “passive move of God in the past.” “You are a modern day Job!” I have been told that I did not know the “healing scriptures” – did not have “faith” – that I am “under the law” and do not have a “revelation of grace”. I have been told that this attack is because I carry “ Israel on my heart” and that this is happening because of the “great call of God” on our lives. And yes, the list goes on and on.
But actually I have come to a simple and fresh place in God, that every time I hear a new opinion or some other angle or revelation from someone, I realize that people just care and they just want us to be well. Bottom line – People love and people care!
So while, I might not use all the potions and lotions that I have been told about or drink all the tonics and latest juices on the market, we are not “turned off” or bitter either. (Frustrated at times – but not bitter!) We have watched over our heart to help us from becoming jaded at God and His sometimes-intrusive people.
Actually I just want to say, “Thank you for caring.” Thank you for loving us enough that you desire to share your piece, with us.
But, as you would understand, we have to weed the garden ourselves and what works for one is not always what works for all. Jesus never healed two people the same way. But He did always heal! And the Jesus I know is the same yesterday, today and forever! In fact, God is good all the time and He does have favorites and Michal Ann and I are some of them! Ha! (By the way – you are one of His favorites too!)
Continuing to Battle
Though we have had several set backs we have not given up. Recently, with things being as intense as they have been, I have wondered if Michal Ann still wanted to continue on with the fight or if she wanted to just go on and be at home with Jesus. After all, she was given three weeks to live not long ago, as things have been that severe. Then all of a sudden, she had one huge turn around and came home from the hospital. PTL! But on the heels of that, while at home, she had a blood vessel break in her brain and she has not been the same since (at least not yet.)
There have been days that she has not been able to say my name – that has absolutely broken my heart. I have wept and wept over my beautiful bride. Then the next day she rallies and seems clear and can communicate fairly well. I have realized my assignment is to love unconditionally.
Recently, I knelt by her bed and attempted to “find out where her heart was”. Did she still want to fight? Or did she just want to go home and be with the Lord? As I leaned into the sensitive conversation, she took her hand and put it over my mouth as to say, “I am fighting for my life and I do not want to hear one negative word out of you!” Now if anyone knows my Annie, that was Michal Ann at her best! “Shhh! No talk about sickness around me! No talk about giving into the devil around me. I am a fighter and I will yet rise up and we will both win!”
“Shut your mouth,” as they say in the south! That is what her hand motion told me that day. So – guess what – we are continuing to fight!
Where Are We Now?
We continue on our journey of loving the Lord, our family and the body of Christ and we are committed to learn every lesson that we can.
Well, I am on assignment in Jerusalem! I had laid our Prayer and Compassion Acts trip down,resolving not to go, but He threw it right back in my lap and spoke clearly to my heart that I had “an appointment in Jerusalem!” I feel this trip brings to a culmination much that we have carried in our hearts for many years. To participate in The Call Jerusalem on Sunday was a dream come true. I had seen this day coming at a distance for many years and am grateful to have been counted a part of it!
Michal Ann is improving ever so slowly. She will be released from the NHC Place in Cool Springs on Friday, May 16 th, as the insurance just will not allow her to be there any longer. This does not mean her “healing has fully manifested”, it has not, yet! In fact, she requires 24 hour monitoring, so though she will be released to go home (and I am sure this will make her heart very happy) she still has a long way to go in battling both the cancer and the brain hemorrhage.
This means that we will need to hire a second full time in the home health care helper. Kathy Colbert needs to be nominated for the “super heroes hall of fame.” But Kathy and volunteers just cannot do it all at this point. So we will need to hire a second full time helper soon. None of this is covered by our insurance policy. In fact, our coverage will only allow for 30 Health Home Care visits in a year! So, as you can imagine, our financial needs are escalating both for us as a family and ministry.
I will come home 4 days early from the Israel Prayer Tour and leave our group of 50 some in the capable hands of Avner Boskey and our other leadership team. That way I will arrive home late on Friday the 16 th, the same day Michal Ann comes home. I am sure that our dogs Jasmine and Jesse are going to be very excited to see “mom”. Our 32nd wedding anniversary is this Thursday, May 15 th. Our hope was to celebrate it together in Jerusalem – but it just did not turn out that way!
So as they say, “Sometimes you just got to make lemonade out of lemons!” (I really am becoming a southerner by the way!) It is not what comes to you in life that determines your course – but how you respond to it! Always say YES to Jesus and NO to the devil! Keep things simple and just worship God no matter what!
A Surprise Encounter
As many of you are aware, I had a surprise encounter with the Lord at the Florida Healing Revival recently that our friend Todd Bentley is leading. (By the way, it is the greatest sustained outpouring of “presence and power” that I have ever witnessed in my lifetime in North America.) A restored Paul Cain, declared life to Michal Ann and I. He stated that the root of the cancer has been scar tissue as a result of the mishandling of the prophetic controversy in the late 1980’s. He cast no blame in any one direction, but acknowledged the personal hard hit that we took as a couple, in those years.
This was not “new news to us” but it was welcomed insight. Todd Bentley then moved in supernatural authority to break off a “spirit of betrayal” that had been assigned against us. I felt it lift as the authority of Christ was exercised. I have prayed into this for years, but the exact name of this enemy had never been exposed until that night. It was restorative to me and Michal Ann. It was historic for us and we greatly needed it!
So thank you for standing with us. Please continue to pray for Michal Ann’s full restoration. Pray that all that the enemy has stolen over these years will be paid back seven fold. The thief has finally been identified and caught in Jesus' great name and now it is “payback time!”
Thanks for listening to my heart in this interchange. We have come a long way and we still have a ways to go. But remember, together, in Jesus, we make a great team!
James W. & Michal Ann Goll
James & Michal Ann Goll 